I didn’t realize so many ladies would relate to my last blog post (and, sweet Jesus, I also didn’t realize so many people would actually read my blog). So, I had to write a follow-up post because, believe it or not, there is a happy ending to this story,…
But before I turn the page, I’d like to respond to the question I was most asked by my readers: No, I will not share any photos of my gym crushes. Don’t y’all already know? Friends don’t let friends Internet stalk (or take unsolicited stalker photos). First of all, the fact that I already cyber-stalked the Hot Trainer and know his name/age/ethnicity/hometown/current city of residence/girlfriend’s info/alma mater (Internet privacy is a joke) is creepy enough. Second of all, I haven’t cyber-stalked hot gym crush #2 ( also affectionately referred to as “Gym Bae”) and I don’t ever intend to so please do not encourage this unproductive behavior. Third of all, if this blog gets into the wrong hands,…’nough said.
So, where did I leave off? Oh yes – I had just learned this universally known (known by every female except me) fun fact that staring back at a guy without smiling is the equivalent of telling him to “F@#$ off.” Oops. Well, after my last post, I resolved to do better. In fact, in case you didn’t read the fine print at the very end of the post, almost immediately after I posted, I actually looked the Hot Trainer in the eye, held eye contact, smiled, and said “hi.” True story.
Actually, since my last post, I’ve made intentional eye contact with, smiled at, and said “hey” to the Hot Trainer a few more times. In fact, I even held the door for him once and he gave me a very polite and profuse “Thank you.”
So, what happened next?! Are we homies yet? Did he break-up with his girl? Are we more than homies?! Well, I am pleased to report,…
It took me seven freakin’ months after I started crushing on this boy to finally be a normal human being around him – and, after that watershed moment, it took me a couple weeks to get over it. Yup. I’m over it. Definitely not into it.
Oh, how fickle is woman! Onto the next one because, as Yoda would say, “A ‘next one,’ there is.” Or, rather, there was.
Enter: The Era of the Gym Bae. Let me back up for a moment and start with how Gym Bae even became a thing.
One morning, I noticed an extraordinarily attractive male working out behind me. Although I observed that he was extremely attractive (he is totally the doppelgänger of a famous and famously hot actor, which actor’s name I will not disclose), I also completely removed any thought of him from my mind. Why? Because I immediately assumed I wasn’t his type. In other words, I automatically concluded that I wasn’t attractive enough for him.
A few months after I made the personal observation about Gym Bae’s hotness, I made another observation: “Hmm. That’s interesting. Gym Bae is always at the gym the same time I am. Like, even on weekends. Maybe he’s just as disciplined as me.” And then I observed: “Okay – why is Gym Bae always working out next to me? Maybe he just coincidentally needs the equipment around me.” Then I observed: “Okay – Why do I feel like Gym Bae is always looking in my direction? Maybe he’s curious about my workouts? Or maybe it’s cuz I look so sweaty and gross that he’s judging me.” And then I made yet another observation: “Okay but, if Gym Bae is silently judging how sweaty and gross I look, why does it look like he’s smiling at me? Am I imagining things? Am I seeing what I want to see? Maybe it’s a coincidence? Maybe he’s just a happy guy?” Then, one day, as Gym Bae happened to be walking in the same direction as my sweaty hot mess self, he made an abrupt u-turn and walked by me, staring directly into my eyes. “Ummm that’s,…weird. Why did he make that abrupt u-turn? Maybe he forgot something? And why did he stare straight into my eyes? Maybe I looked totally hideous,…” And, honestly, y’all – I legit Google’d that -ish. No joke. I straight-up did a Google search on “what does it mean when a guy stares directly into your eyes” (verbatim). If you know me, then you know I have the flirting and dating literacy of a lump of coal. So, yes, the extensive research was necessary.
That initial Google search led me down a rabbit hole of questions to which I found one shocking answer. Thanks to the Interwebs and a few dating “gurus” (see, I’m not the only one asking these questions), I learned: Gym Bae is probably into me. Whoa. WHAT. HOW. HUH?! Could it be?! Gym Bae is,…interested in me? Attracted to me? Crushing on me? Tryin’ to holler? Tryin’ to impress this mess? He doesn’t think I’m a totally repulsive when my hair and my shirt are covered in filthy sweat?!
Y’all. I would love to tell you that, after that epiphany and after all that practice on the Hot Trainer, I was able to function like a normal human being around Gym Bae and, in no time, we became friends and went on our first date; in fact, he turned out to be an absolute dream come true and I’m now about to introduce him to my parents and my pastors. Wasn’t that such a lovely story? UNTIL I FREAKIN’ WOKE UP.
Instead, what ensued after that epiphany was about eight months of pure torture because I was too freakin’ shy to respond to Gym Bae’s subtle advances. Ladies (and gentlemen, if you’re reading), have you ever simultaneously been over-the-moon ecstatic but also under-the-covers scared sh!tless around your crush? Like, I legit wanted to see him shirtless but I also never wanted to see him again.
I won’t recount the countless times he worked-out right next to me, or the countless times I caught him staring and smiling at me, or all the times we pulled into the parking lot at the same time (and I sprinted into the gym because I was too shy to say anything), or all the opportunities I had to smile, wave, say hey/hello/hi, share gym equipment with him. No need for a post-mortem. Nope. I get it. I failed. Big time.
Alas. Let bygones by bygones. Today, let us instead DO IT LIKE KANYE DONE IT AND BUST OUT THAT MARVIN GAYE AND CHARDONNAY CUZ GUESS WHO FINALLY HAD A REAL-FREAKIN’-FACE-TO-FACE-LIKE-A-GROWN-@$$-ADULT CONVERSATION WITH GYM BAE?!?
GIVE GLORY TO GOD THE MOST HIGH. JESUS IS ALIVE.
Dude. God SET IT UP so that, if I hadn’t seized the opportunity, I would’ve definitely deserved a good ol’ fashioned Old Testament style rebuke. Thank You for giving me that umpteenth chance, God. You truly are merciful and gracious. You have demonstrated to me that, not only are You are the best c@ckbl@cker in all the universe, but also the best wingman.
Soooooo, what happened next?! Are we homies yet? Are we more than homies yet?! Well, I am pleased to report,…
It took me almost eight freakin’ months after I started crushing on this boy to finally be a normal human being around him – and, after that monumental moment, it took me less than a month to get over it. Yup. I’m over it. Definitely not into it. (Déjà vu, anybody?)
I know what y’all are thinking. Ummmmm, bruh. Weren’t you, like, practically head over heels for Gym Bae? HELL TO THE NO, I was not head over heels. I didn’t even know his freakin’ name until we spoke, give me some credit alright?! Yes, I was infatuated. Yes, I thought he was hot AF. Yes, I wanted him to take me out on a date (or two, or three). Yes, I sometimes daydreamt that we might become one of those Insta-famous #FitCouples and make Insta-envy worthy videos of him casually bench pressing me or of me casually doing push-ups on his washboard abs. (I don’t actually know if he has washboard abs but, thanks to inductive reasoning, it’s the only logical conclusion.) Alas, those #RelationshipGoals were not ours to have and to hold.
Because, as fine as he is, I just cannot get over what Gym Bae does for a living. Let’s just say there is an inverse correlation between how hot Gym Bae is and how not hot his job is.
Before I get into it, can I just say – How is it humanly possible for somebody to be even BETTER looking up-close than from a distance? I was expecting Gym Bae to be, as Cher from ‘Clueless’ would say, “a full on monet.” Instead, to my utter dismay and disbelief, up-close and personal, Gym Bae was almost flawless. Even his voice was hot. He was so good-looking that, at some point in our conversation, I honestly could not make out what he was saying because I was focusing all my mental and ocular faculties to maintain eye contact and ensure that my gaze did not wander to his hair, his shoulders, his chest, his arms,…you get the point. Jesus, You said we would have trouble in this world but, this is just straight-up unfair. Sigh.
Ok, now back to the burning question: What does Gym Bae do for work?!? Sorry to disappoint y’all but, I must refrain from disclosing Gym Bae’s line of work, lest I inadvertently hurt or offend people in this line of work. I will say this, though – what is unappealing to me about this job has nothing to do with its associated income level or potential. Trust me, Gym Bae makes good money (I Google’d it to confirm). But, despite how shallow I make myself out to be, how much bank a guy makes is not what actually matters to me. To cut straight to the chase: I just don’t find the work to be interesting. Like, at all. Yo, if Gym Bae had told me he moonlighted as a male escort, that would have at least elicited a few follow-up questions (as well as a raised eyebrow) from me. I’m not saying I would have endorsed that particular career choice but, I definitely would have at least asked about it. Instead, his current occupation just led me to an abrupt dead end.
Anyway. That anti-climatic moment wasn’t the only contributing factor to how quickly I went from sixty to zero; however, it was the initial factor that snapped me out of my stupor and brought me back to reality. I subsequently and begrudgingly acknowledged a few more issues that I had conveniently glossed over because of said stupor. For example, Gym Bae’s hotness might be the best thing he’s got going for him. If his looks are his best asset, despite my infatuation with aesthetically gifted men, that actually makes him a lot less appealing to me. But the most important factor that delivered me from this infatuation?
What changed everything was not so much the way that I see Gym Bae (and every other hottie guy) but, the way I see myself.
That fateful five-minute conversation marked the beginning of an era. In those fateful five minutes of talking with Gym Bae, all these previously and seemingly disjointed puzzle pieces came together and started to connect, started to click, started to make sense. In that moment, it was as if a divine hand rubbed my eyes or scraped the steam from the mirrors so that I was finally able to see myself with 20/20 vision. A boldness, a confidence, a fearlessness arose from within me that, hitherto, I didn’t know existed (and didn’t believe ever could or would). Simply put, that conversation was the breakthrough I needed to finally, once and for all, overcome this freakin’ fear of rejection. (That awkward, shy chick who could never speak to or make eye contact with her crushes, the one that used to masquerade as me? Confession: That wasn’t me being all cute and shy; that was me being full of fear, me being paralyzed by the fear of rejection.)
That fateful five-minute conversation also marked the end of an era. It wasn’t just the end of The Era of the Gym Bae. It was, it is, the end of The Era of the Crush. No, I am not joking. No, I am not exaggerating. Mark my words. The era of this nonsense, this ridiculousness, this unproductive behavior, is over. Done. Finito. Gone. Ghost. It is finished. I know what y’all are thinking. “Okay, but how do you know it’s over? Fool us once, shame on — shame on you. Fool us,….we can’t get fooled again, alright? Remember the bartender? Remember the dude on the work shuttle? Remember the other dude on the work shuttle? And didn’t you barely finish crushing on the Hot Trainer, only to start crushing on Gym Bae? Also, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WRITE ABOUT NOW?!” Believe it or not, I am more than the sum of my mistakes and former crushes. I can say with utmost certainty that I will no longer be crushing because, one: I’m no longer that shy, awkward chick (and, in fact, I never was – the real me just needed a catalyst to come out), and two: Even though I may have Shiny Object Syndrome and a guy’s hotness factor might be tantalizing initial bait, it’s ultimately not hook, line, sinker for me. As is evidenced by my interactions with the Hot Trainer and Gym Bae, apparently, looks only get so far with me. Wow. I’m not as superficial as I thought I was. (I know, I know. Believe me, I am just as shocked as you are.)
Anyhow. That’s all for now, folks. See, I told you there was a happy ending to this story. Admittedly, there is SO MUCH MORE I could’ve shared but, I didn’t have the time, space, or patience to summarize all that God did in the years leading up to this moment of breakthrough and all that He’s been to since then. You’ll just have to wait for my book to come out if you want all the juicy details. (JUST KIDDING. Or am I,….?!) For now, I really need to close-up shop right now because it’s half past “boy, bye” and I’m already out the door.
Dear Gym Bae, there was a time I wanted to be “your end game,…your first string,… your A-team.” (No lie and no shame, at the height of my crush on Gym Bae, I definitely had T. Swift on repeat, lol.) But, God had an end game – an infinitely better game – of His own. Who could’ve known that instead of getting Hot Trainer or Gym Bae, I would get ME instead?! Even though I never really considered myself to be first pick or first string, thank You for showing me otherwise, God. Thank You for making me, my freedom, my victory, Your end game.
The End. For now.
Hahahaha this is great, thank you so much Nancy for sharing your story in such a fun way, and I bet it will help more people will overcome fear of rejection like you did