Awhile back I wrote about my lusting after crushing on this hot trainer.
Soooo,…I was in the process of getting over my crush but here I am, six (6) months later, still sneaking ninja-style side-eye glances at him and trying really, really, really hard not to reinstall Instagram so that I can secretly stalk his beautiful face and equally beautiful body. Sigh.
Whatever happened to the conviction I thought I had? And, hell, whatever happened to his girlfriend? GIRL. WHERE YOU AT THOUGH?!? Wasn’t your presence supposed to keep my wandering eyes in check? How could I be right back where I started?! If anything, my crush has intensified to such a degree that I now catch myself praying, Lord, if thou art willing, grant him (actually, grant me) the gift of his singleness and availability.
WOMAN. You are a GROWN-@$$ woman. Pull yourself together!! How old are you?!? You can’t be teenage crushin’ on this hottie forever. What is WRONG with you?!?
Anyway, a month ago, a series of odd events occurred. Basically, I am pretty sure I caught homeboy checking me out. Either that or I’m just seeing what I have desperately wanted to see all this time. Sweet Jesus. Have I been praying witchcraft prayers?! Is he picking up on my lust? Why would he be looking at me when he has a girlfriend?! If he silently judging and condemning my form? Maybe he’s just repulsed by my sweaty, hot mess-ness. Or could it be,..is he supernaturally single?!? LORD, DO NOT PLAY WITH MY FRAGILE HEART!!
The first time I caught him looking at me, I thought it had to be an accident. Maybe he was glancing around the gym and I just happened to turn as he just happened to look my direction. The only thing is – I am almost positive I saw him craning his neck to look over at me. Is that normal? Do guys do that if they’re just casually glancing around the gym? And then, as he was training his client near me, I felt his gaze on me again and I made like a nanosecond of eye contact with him (because I am still an awkward teenage girl around hot dudes). Then, on another day, as I was walking out of the gym, mildly disappointed that I hadn’t seen him, I looked-up and, to my delight, saw his beautiful face. Interestingly, his back was facing me but his head was turned towards me because homeboy was staring directly at me.
Shat. Frackity frack frack. In that split second, with zero time to think, I didn’t know what to do. (Let’s be real – even if I had all the time in the world to think, I still wouldn’t know what to do. Lord, is it possible to pray for a flirtation anointing? Can I get the gift of game?) Normally, I would have looked down or looked away out of shyness but, being caught off guard might have helped – it gave me what had hitherto been an inaccessible measure of boldness to at least look him in the eye. And that’s what I did – I held his gaze and stared right back. Yup. I almost danced out the door because I legit thought I had evolved from being that awkward teenage girl who was utterly unable to make eye contact with my hottie trainer crush to at least being a “fake it ’til you make it” confident woman who is (finally!) able to hold his gaze for a few seconds. That was worth celebrating, right? That was progress, right? Right?
WRONG.
After that staring incident, I was certain that smiles and “hi’s” and “hello’s” and conversation and maybe even friendship and hanging-out (okay, clearly my imagination had already packed-up and eloped with my crush) would soon follow suit. However, instead of exchanging smiles and phone numbers, homeboy stopped checking me out. All of a sudden, it was like I didn’t even exist anymore. Did he suddenly find me unattractive? Maybe he changed his mind after he got a better look at me. No – I know I’m hot, that’s definitely not it.
Perplexed, I did what any intelligent single female would do: I contacted my trusty female friends to get their expert opinion on the situation.
When I, one by one, retold my victorious story, each one of my girlfriends essentially said the same thing:
Girlfriends #1, #2, #3, #4: Wait. You stared back at him. Did you smile?
Me: No. I just held his gaze.
Girlfriend #1: [hysterically laughing] You stared back at him? Without smiling?! Girl, you just mad dogged him.
Girlfriend #2: [hysterically laughing] You stared back at him? Without smiling?! Girl, you just told him with your eyes that you NEVER EVER want him to look at you again.
Girlfriend #3: [hysterically laughing] You stared back at him? Without smiling?! Girl, you just dogged him!!
Girlfriend #4: [hysterically laughing] You stared back at him? Without smiling?! Girl, you just communicated that you NEVER want him to look at you again.
Okay. Hold up. Does every woman know about this?! Is this, like, universal flirt code? Do they teach you this in school? Did I skip Male Female Dynamics 101? How do I not know this?!?
The sad thing is, I did the “stare back” not only to my hot trainer crush, but to another hot dude at the gym. The same week my eyes inadvertently told my hot trainer crush to “F Off,” this other hottie gym boy did a u-turn and walked by me, staring right at me. And, what did I do? I did what only I would do – I just held his gaze and stared right back. Without smiling. Sigh.
And after that “victorious” moment, hottie gym boy #2 also stopped looking at me and working out near me.
So, ladies, this is my Public Service Announcement to y’all. In case you didn’t get the memo (because, clearly, I did not), please SMILE at guys you find attractive. PLEASE. Please learn from my foolish mistakes. I messed-up so you don’t have to. You might think your stare is communicating an “eye f@#$” when, really, it’s communicating, “eye f@#$ OFF.” Please don’t underestimate the power of RBF. [The struggle is real.] And please don’t underestimate the power of a genuine SMILE. And when I say “smile,” I mean smile WITH YOUR TEETH. None of that half-smile, half-grimace crap that’s up for interpretation. You might think that half-smile is a cool and casual, “Hey there,” but the hottie recipient of that half-smile might interpret it as, “Um, I’m not impressed.” This hot boy could potentially be your next date, your next boyfriend – heck, your freakin’ future husband. (Yo, this is how people used to meet, before the Internet happened.) Or, hey, he could become a new friend who has other hot dude friends.
Most men (or maybe most people) require obvious signals or direct feedback, he’s probably not gonna waste time playing a game of mental chess in an attempt to interpret nuanced b.s. If your mutual interest is not clear, unless he is totally oblivious or a total creeper, he’s probably going to assume you’re not into him. I learned that the hard way. You need to be clear and you need to SMILE (with your teeth), girl. Let him know that you’re friendly. Let him know that he can approach you cuz, shoot, don’t you want him to?!
You might be wondering why I am putting the onus on women to send the initial signal. I’ve got a few reasons why we should help out our fellow man but, the primary one is to eliminate (or at least lower) the barrier called “the fear of rejection.” Ladies, imagine being a man and, as a man, being told for your entire life that it is your duty to initiate with women. That’s a hell of lot of pressure from a lot of people and a lot of places. How does a guy know when to approach and who does he approach? I’d love to believe that men naturally have the confidence that cologne and aftershave ads claim and therefore, men will 100% of the time approach and we women simply have to sit back with a glass of wine and take our pick. (But, hold up – did you ever notice that, in those ads, the cologne and aftershave actually draw or attract women to the men? So those ads may actually appeal to the potential fear of being rejected because these chemical substances which mimic pheromones will allegedly endow men with sex appeal and confidence but, that confidence comes with zero risk to the guy,… which, to me, means it’s all smoke and mirrors. Sneaky, sneaky. Anyway, I digress.) I suspect that some percentage of men will actually, instead, approach the woman who is “good looking enough” and seems the least likely to reject them. That may sound horrible but, it’s not – it’s very logical and it’s very human and, honestly, I don’t blame the guys who take this approach. I mean, who am I to judge when it’s literally taken me six (6) freakin’ months to smile and say “hi” to my trainer crush?! I know there may be just as many reasons it may be difficult for women to initiate, as well. Let’s just grossly oversimplify and say- initiating with someone you find attractive / are interested in can be super daunting and nerve-racking so let’s just cut each other some slack and help each other out, k?
Fortunately, I still have the opportunity to put into practice what I just learned. Unfortunately, I have not yet put anything that I supposedly learned into practice. Sigh. Lord, there are countless stories in the Bible of superheroes and superheroines of faith fasting and praying for courage, strength, and favor in battle or in matters of life or death. Meanwhile, God, I’m just asking for the courage to smile and maybe even say “Hi.” Lord, I pray that the Spirit of David come over me because I feel like that is literally what is going to take, lol. Lord, I pray You would grant me the gift of game. Lord, I ask that You would anoint me some of that Song of Songs oil of flirtation. And Lord, please please please please please do not remove the objects of my attraction until I actually get their names (okay, let’s just pretend I don’t already know my trainer crush’s name) and maybe their numbers (only if they’re single). In Jesus’ mighty name, AMEN.
EDIT: As of this post, I was able to look my trainer crush in the eyes, smile, and say hi. AND, I was able to look hottie gym boy #2 in the eyes and smile. PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! HE’S ALIVE!!!!
EDIT: Sadly, I’ve done this only once and have since regressed. Help me, Jesus.
EDIT: I am now over my trainer crush. I promise. For real. Homie, you still fine but, you ain’t mine. #BoyBye