This is actual footage of me walking into every situation and every room.
All jokes aside, this visual does accurately depict how I expected to enter 2017.
My expectations for 2017 pwnage were further confirmed by a text my sweet friend sent at the beginning of 2017: “Nancy, 2017 is going to be your b!tch.” She texted this to me after sharing she saw an image of a double rainbow while praying for me (which double rainbow served as confirmation that 2017 was going to be “your year”). And she texted all this to me as I happened to be gazing upon an actual double rainbow in the sky. Let me give you some insider information on Charismatic Christians: We love rainbows. Double rainbows? Even better. In the Bible, rainbows symbolize covenant (which is like a holier way of saying “promise”). So, seeing a double rainbow while being told by a friend that she just saw a double rainbow image as she was praying for me?!? I mean, probably the only thing that could top all that would be an angelic visitation.
I’ll spare you the details about all the confirmations on confirmations on confirmations I received with respect to why 2017 would be “my b!tch.” Let’s just say, short of sending Gabriel the archangel to me, God wanted to get my attention. He sent me sign after sign, word after word, to remind me that I could trust Him to make good on all His promises.
Y’know what I realized about trusting God? If there is any amount of waiting involved in trusting, the spirit is kinda sorta willing and the flesh is definitely weak. In other words, I suck at waiting well. Sure, I can wait – while I cross my arms, roll my eyes, and throw a bunch of temper tantrums and all sorts of baseless accusations at God. Unfortunately, waiting well is a practice that can only be perfected by,…practice. Sigh. Of course.
What does waiting well even look like? Not that I have already obtained it but, what I’ve learned is that waiting well looks like hope, a joyful expectation of God’s goodness. Waiting well looks like faith, having confidence in what I hope for and assurance about what I do not see. Waiting well looks like trust, believing that God will make good on His word. Waiting well looks like worship, giving Him the thanksgiving and praise of which He is always, always worthy. Waiting well looks like celebration, rejoicing with other’s breakthroughs and victories as if they were my own and vehemently refusing to allow comparison or competition drive a wedge between me and my community. Waiting well looks like Jesus on the night before He went to the cross, praying “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” But, waiting well also looks like active wrestling with God, confessing “Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief!” and allowing Him to comfort, counsel, and exhort me.
Sure, I might know all this in my head but, that knowledge doesn’t translate into belief or action until it’s tested and refined in the fire. When hope is deferred and my heart is sick with longing and tired of waiting, it’s so easy to allow disappointment, unbelief, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, jealousy, envy, competition, and striving to take root in my heart, causing me to accuse God or try to take matters into my own hands. I legit need to counsel myself on a regular basis NOT to do as Abraham, father of the faithful, did. “Don’t go creating any Ishmael’s, girl.” Like, literally. Don’t do it. No matter how fine that boy is. Sigh.
But, God. BUT, GOD!!!!!!
Alas, 2017 has come and gone and I have yet to see many of God’s promises fulfilled. Another year to add to more than a decade and a half of waiting. Sigh. So, on New Year’s Eve, instead of ringing in the new year with a bunch of fanfare, I sat in tears before God, demanding an explanation for 2017. God, didn’t You tell me over and over again that this was going to be “my year?” God, didn’t You assure me over and over again that You would not forget the promises You made? God, why bother telling me anything about anything if You don’t intend to deliver on it right away?!? Are You just playing with my heart?!?
As I sat with God, I realized that, somewhere along this long and narrow road, I had started to trust in myself – my faith in God, my love for Him, my works – and I had started to believe that I was earning what I had been promised. How so? Because I had been “oh-so-faithful.” Because I had been “oh-so-obedient.” Because I had been doing such a “good job” as a Christian. Because I had been working so diligently and with such excellence. Because I had waited on God for so many years. Because I had “paid my dues.” Because I was a woman of such “great faith.” Because all I have to do is believe hard enough, long enough,…right? Haven’t I checked all the boxes of what is required of me to be a “deserving” Christian? Haven’t I already fulfilled the quota of whatever is required to take possession of what God said He’d give me?!
Wow. If I could physically step outside of my body, I would smack myself so hard it would deliver the spirit of stupid right outta me.
I suppose better late than never. [But, as a wise man once said, “But, never late is better.”] With humble (yet still pitiful, when I recognize the gravity of my sin) repentance, this is what I have finally come to understand:
First of all, God doesn’t owe me anything.
Second of all, if God makes a covenant with me, if He determines He wants to bless me, the truth is I will never deserve, nor will I ever be able to earn, what He desires to give me. Yes, He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him. Yes, we do receive earthly and heavenly rewards. But, God chooses to relate to me, to us, as a Father. Every and good and perfect gift comes from the Father. God is not Santa Claus. Santa only rewards you if you’ve been a “good kid.” (Also, Santa isn’t real.) But, in the truest sense of the word, a gift is freely given without expectation of payment, without condition. Once there is a condition placed upon a gift, it becomes a reward. I earn rewards but I do not earn gifts. I don’t get a better gift just because I “paid my dues” waiting on God. That would incentivize a formulaic way of thinking. If He decides to bless me with an exceedingly abundant gift, that’s because God is exceedingly and abundantly extravagant. Also, shout-out to my best friend who rebuked me and reminded me that, if I obey God because I expect Him to reward me, I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. Obedience to God is done purely out of love for God. “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” [John 14:15]
For example, let’s say I’ve remained celibate for a number of years out of obedience to God. Let’s also say God has promised me a husband. I am not going to be rewarded with a “better” husband because, in obedience, I have remained celibate. If God has promised to give me a husband, the gift will reflect the unconditional love, sovereign goodness, and unmerited favor of God. God isn’t like, “Girl, you’ve remained celibate for “x” number of years. Great job. You get an extra doggie treat, here you go!” Dude. I am not a pet, I am His daughter! And although God is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and I give Him lordship over my life – He is my Father. If God granted me gifts based on what I’ve done, based on my works, then He would establish an incorrect belief system in my heart – one based on my works and my righteousness. Thankfully, His goodness is not dependent upon me. Thankfully, His goodness is not conditional. That is why He is THE LORD. HE IS WHO HE IS. He is not like a man whose heart and whose words can shift like shadows, winds, and waves. He is simply good, through and through.
Third of all, the only One I can trust and trust in, the only One who is good, the only One who is faithful, is God. Listen, if God said it, that’s the only confirmation I need. He is faithful, He cannot deny Himself. It is His nature. It is His character. It is who He is and who He is determines how He is. God’s word is sufficient so the only thing I need to do is believe Him. I don’t need rainbows 🌈 on rainbows 🌈 on rainbows 🌈 to serve as a sign in the sky. I don’t need a bunch of prophets and prophetesses retelling me what God has already told me. I don’t need archangels visiting me in the middle of the night to deliver a message from the Lord of hosts. And my “faith” (which, by the way, doesn’t even look or smell remotely like faith when I compare it to the faithfulness of the One who is called the Faithful and the True) is not going to force God’s hand, manipulate Him to sympathize with my cause, or speed things up to align with my personal schedule. There isn’t some magical spell prayer that will hocus-pocus summon the Lord and cause the stars to align. I can’t will myself to have even more faith so that, maybe if my faith is “big enough,” it will awaken mighty-sleeping-giant God to act. Who do I think He is?!? A magician? A genie? A puppet? A god (as opposed to the one and only true God)? A man? He is God Almighty, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the One who has always been and always will be, the One who spoke the heavens and the earth into being, the One who upholds all things by the word of His power. His words inherently have creative power. If He has pledged something to me, then I damn well better believe Him.
Yes, there are absolutely occasions when faith requires action. I’m not proposing that I sit on my arse all day long and wait as life passes you by. However, there is a BIG difference between my plans and God’s plans so my job is to trust in the Lord and commit all my ways to Him. Also, more often than not, God will give you the promise and that’s the only clue you get, homie.
And yes, God does reward obedience. Obedience absolutely matters to God. I’m not proposing that you can throw obedience, character, faithfulness, stewardship out the window. However, I do feel God challenging how much weight I put in and how much I bet on on my own faithfulness vs. in God’s faithfulness.
How wretched of me to put my trust in anything but the Lord. How wretched of me to doubt the living and active word of God. How foolish of me to put my faith in my works and in my “faithfulness.” How wrong of me to believe that I could earn, that I had earned, what You have promised. How wicked of me to obey You, not because I simply love You, but because I had a hidden agenda, because I expected something in return from You. Lord, I repent. I repent. I repent. Have mercy on me, Son of David! My love, my faith, my works, my faithfulness, my righteousness – all of it is as filthy rags. The only one found faithful was You. The only One who is good is You. The only thing You ask of me is to trust You, to believe You, to take You at Your word. God, You always say what You mean and mean what You say. Once Your word goes forth, it will not return to You empty, it will accomplish what You desire, it will succeed in the matter for which You sent it. So, if You said that 2017 was supposed to be “my b!tch,” “my year,” and if my reality looks different than the truth You spoke, that just means that my “year” is not done yet and You – the God who created time and for whom a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like a day – are not done yet.
And Jesus answered saying to them, “Have faith in God.” [Mark 11:22]